Nov 2nd

Incense burning.

Candles flickering.

Soul wide open.

Asking.  Giving.  Waiting.

Sometimes relationships are not as straight forward as we'd like them to be.

They seem simple enough, clear enough on the surface, but something niggles.

Murkiness appears from time to time.  Is it imagined?  Hard to know.

Frustrating.

Complacency exhausted.  Courage summoned.

Time to discover.

An opportunity presented - time for truth.  A get-out-of-bullshit-free card.

Probing?  Deflection?  Defensiveness?  Really?

So not how I thought this would go.

Relinquishing expectations.

Acknowledging differing perceptions.

Accepting the end may be here.

Letting go.

Feeling light.

The last in a line of unexplored inauthentic relationships.

One too wistful to face, for fear of the worst outcome manifesting.

Like I always say to others and ask of myself - what's the worst that can happen?

You lose another ego from your world, too well preserved and protected to embrace vulnerability.

That's not so bad?

But no, that's not the worst thing.

The worst thing is mourning the loss of what was and would could have been.

That is most definitely sad.

Oct 28th

 I saw this today and I liked it immediately!

On another look, I've just noticed the raindrops.  I think this is a wonderful poster for the fridge, bedside table, cereal packet, coffee machine... Reminders are perfect wee nudges for maintaining presence.  I especially like the raindrops.  Because it's often on the days of gloominess that we forget how blessed we are to have this day.

It poured and poured this afternoon.  Thunderstorms and lightning.  I was utterly grateful that I didn't need to pour chlorinated, fluoridated water all over my growing seedlings.  That instead, (mostly) unadulterated water from the sky replenished the moisture requirements of my kitchen garden.

I was also grateful for the rain for clearing the air.  I am guessing the pollen rating was off the charts today, as my eyes itched, my nose ran and the sneezing was pretty much non-stop.  The cleansing of the air was a welcome reprieve.  Not to mention the energetic charge in the air with upcoming storms!  There's something about it that makes me want to dance skyclad under the falling droplets, particularly when the air is as warm as it was today.  So, so cleansing and refreshing.

A thoughtful and gorgeous friend posted a link to a blog today.

Must share:  http://www.brenebrown.com/badge

This page is one aspect of her online world.  I haven't yet explored the whole site, but I will!  Her outlook is marvelous!  So much along my line of operation.  It immediately hit me that this could be a focus of my next blogging crusade - my adventures in a life of authenticity.  This blog has touched on them, but not in any real depth and not as a focus, more incidental mentioning.  If I'm 100% honest, I just want an excuse to use the badges!  How awesome are they?!

I'm utterly, 100% a fake-it-til-you-make-it kinda woman.

It's how I get anywhere.  It all began when I was introduced to the concept of manifestation - work out exactly what it is you want, then act, think and talk like you already have it.  Soon enough, you will.  So, I work out what I want and I fake it.  And it works.  I can list people, things, journeys and headspaces that I have wanted and obtained, through manifestation.  

So, authenticity.  Loving unconditionally.  Not such easy tasks.  But they don't just happen overnight.  They happen with focus, with intention, with practice.  A blog helps all of those things happen.  You're thinking about it, you're talking about it, you're manifesting it.  I liked what Brene had to say here:

"Choosing authenticity is an act of resistance.  Choosing to live and love with our WholeHearts is an act of defiance.  You’re going to confuse, piss-off and terrify lots of people – including yourself.  One minute you'll pray that the transformation ends, and the next minute you’ll pray that it never ends."

Two friends have mentioned they are thinking along the same lines, blogging a similar journey.  Which is fantastic.  Brene had this to say "We need to be surrounded by other authenticity activists who are willing to be imperfect and real. We need to build a community of people who can straddle the truth that we are both afraid and brave (often at the same time)."  I love this.  And it's very true.  My friends are very brave to have me in their worlds.  I embrace and welcome being called on my shit.  That doesn't go for everyone.  And yet, by default of allowing me in their worlds, they are faced with my expectations of authenticity.  I think it's a testament to the strength, the courage, the openness to growth that each of them possess.  And I adore each and every one of them for it.

Oct 7th

I spent an entire day today luxuriating in the company of one of my nearest and dearest.

And it was truly divine.

The morning began, celebrating the birth and birthing anniversary of her and her daughter, two years ago today.  Cake, party pies, mini quiches, fairy bread, coffee - and cake.  Did I mention cake?  Then flowed into some valuable one-on-one time together as we watched our children play.  One of the most joyful things about my friendship with this gorgeous woman, is how wonderfully and easily our children play.  It makes our get-togethers so effortless and ensures many hours are lost in the midst of water and sandpit play.  And endless cups of coffee.  And cake - did I mention cake?

Sure enough, at almost four, we found our way to the car with plans for home, my intention of evening yoga long forgotten.  It struck me today how easily and happily I veer towards the pleasure in life.  It wasn't always so.  I used to have a tendency to limit myself to doses of pleasure - too much was gluttony, surely?  And that can't be good for the soul!  What hogwash.

If pleasure isn't good for the soul - then what is?

And how much is too much?  And who on earth decided that ridiculous rule, anyway?

I seek pleasure wherever I can find it.  And I languish in it.  For as long as compatible with all other plans I may have.  This train of thought continued in the back of my mind as I began preparing dinner.  My instinct was to pour a glass of wine for Ben and myself to enjoy as we cooked.  I bought myself up short, remembering my challenge.  Then all of a sudden restricting myself a glass of wine seemed as ridiculous as restricting myself pleasure.

"Why are you doing the challenge?" he asked.

"To see if I can" I responded.

"Can you?" he asked.

"Of course I can - but I'm wondering why I feel the need to prove this to myself?  The simple fact is, I drink wine because I enjoy it - not because I need it."

 

The other reason I wanted to stop was to enhance my current vitality kick.

I truly do not like placing restrictions on myself.  With food, with activities, with people, with anything.  If I was hit by a bus tomorrow, I'd just be pissed off that I needlessly restricted myself in enjoying one of life's pleasures, to prove a pointless point to myself about something that no one else gives a rat's buttock about.  Seems all a bit silly, really.

So I'm out.  The challenge that is.  The desire is no longer there.  Quite different to the desire to complete 30 days of yoga and 365 days of gratitude blogging.  A challenge where I bring something *into* my life is much more appealing, than a challenge to take something *out* of my life.  Particularly something I enjoy.

So I'm back to my authentic self.  Enjoying the things I enjoy to the fullest.  No longer feeling the need to prove anything to anyone or to myself (most significantly). Why I felt like that in the first place is something I will explore in more detail... because that's a curious head space in itself.

Curious indeed...

August 31st

Today was such a huge rollercoaster of emotions.

Heartache at potently missing my babe.  I think at a cellular level, my arms and heart and lips know when it's Wednesday.  They know that they have to hold out for that long before being able to scoop her up and hold her close, smothering her in kisses for a full two minutes before letting her down.  This week marked a change in care - now Thursday to Sunday - but my cellular consciousness is still programed to Wednesdays.  It knew something was terribly wrong and everything ached in wanting.

Receiving an email from a friend with an air of promise and potential.  Giddying, just the thought of what could be possible.  As is my way.  Heart wide open.  Vulnerable, trusting.  Cos what's the point, otherwise?  Been there, closed that.  Yes, if frickin' hurts when you're shat on.  My childhood gave me many, many experiences to relish.  I do know that in most cases, leopards don't change their spots - but who the hell am I to pigeon-hole?  I will always, always give the benefit of the doubt.  I would rather trust and be proved wrong, than live with suspicion and doubt and be proved right.  It's a million times easier to trust.  Suspicion is a mind-screw!  And it's exhausting.  I'd rather use my energy towards love, compassion, kindness and joy.  Because that gives you strength, it doesn't deplete it.  Kinda like a superfood smoothie.

Which is what I *didn't* have for dinner tonight, as planned.

No.  What did I have?  Pizza and red wine.

Night before the first day of the challenge.  Why?  Am I self-sabotaging?

I'm going, whether my stomach is bloated and my bowels are screaming or not.  So why do this to myself?  I know I'm going to feel like shite.  Why do I choose to make life hard for myself?  *sigh*

Some pics of fluff, cos they're soooo freakin' cute.

July 11th

I'm feeling in a headspace where I just want to check out of all screen time.

I feel like my entire life is sucked into a tiny box.

I realised late last week that I hadn't been to yoga in nearly two weeks.

And that my days when Lucy wasn't with me, were spent sitting on the floor, typing into my computer.

I have a commitment to this blog.

I have a commitment to the A&O fb page.

And I have a commitment to building the A&O website, which is not getting anywhere near enough attention.

On top of that, I keep up with my network of 276 or so people in my fb personal circle.  Okay, so perhaps not all of them, but at least one hundred of them I have regular contact with.  Each morning I'm greeted with an average of two personal messages and 10 to 15 notifications.  And that's before I even begin checking the newsfeed to see what's going on in the world's I'm not directly a part of.

I love the communication!  I love the connection.  I feel very grateful to have this number of people in my life that I can truly call wonderful friends.  But it's coming at a cost.  A cost to my personal life.  A cost to furthering my professional life.  A cost to my time.  A cost I no longer want to justify.

So, it's time for time out.

Yesterday was a fb (mostly) free day and we had a wonderful time together.

I claimed two days in a row of yoga, which my body so desperately needed (my muscles are sore - THAT'S how long it's been!).  So, I said farewell for now, locked down the account and switched off.  Then spent a bit of the morning updating A&O, asking for more questions, sharing a few links - then I closed the lid.

The plan was to do some sewing.  I've been wanting to create more wee wipes for ages, but have been waiting for my overlocker to come back from service after the mammoth cloth pad sewing frenzy.  It's been back for more than a week, but I still haven't made the time.

That plan didn't work out so well.  The machine needed re-threading and I thought I needed a special needle threader for one of the lower needles (which Ben later showed me I didn't - bless having lateral thinkers in your life).  So I spent nearly two hours driving around town trying to find this needle threader, which was out of stock everywhere, and instead I came home with a parasol and another craft book (I did control myself on the fat, lush 100% wool yarn I stood fondling for 10 minutes).

I got home, still pissed that my afternoon was a write off (a feeling that escalated ten-fold once I was shown I didn't need the needle threader at all), but brightened with the news my beloved was leaving work earlier than anticipated.

We had plans to drive for 45 minutes to soak in the hot pools but neither of us wanted to leave the house by the time he got home.  So we chilled out with cocktails and curry.

Another change I'm implementing today, is an early bedtime and an early rise.

I plan to make the 6am yoga class tomorrow and be home by 8am to start work - another purposeful act of reclaiming my time.  So, with a 5am alarm set, it's bedtime at half ten at the latest.

I will also enjoy spending more time with Lucy in the morning when she's here - rather than attempting to secure 'another few minutes' and 'another few minutes' as she all but drags me out of bed at 6am saying "I'm hungry, cook me porridge!"  Never fun after a 1am bedtime the night before.

I'm grateful for self-honesty.  Acknowledging when things need to change.

And I'm grateful for sourcing the resolve to embrace that change.

FB is an addiction, no doubt about it.  Cold turkey, like with anything, takes fortitude!

I will be back.  Once I can find that balance.  And perhaps after a considered tightening of my world.

June 20th

Today I am grateful for the courage of my convictions.

For not bowing to my inner good girl and feeling the need to acquiesce just to ensure I please everyone, above all else.  For loving and respecting myself enough to draw a line in the sand and take action to maintain that boundary.  For myself and for the space I have created, a space I am taking great pride in nurturing.

Today I made a big call, and not an easy one.

But as soon as it was done, I immediately felt lighter.

The stress of the past two days was gone.  The stress of potential future shite was eliminated.  I felt happy and comfortable in my space again.  Those feelings alone indicated I had made the right decision.

You see, I don't mind being challenged.  I quite like having different perspectives on the world presented to me, for me to ponder and consider, to compare and contrast with my current views.  But what I don't like, is to be manipulated.  What I don't enjoy, is having a trap laid out before me, just awaiting to be tripped.  But, I'm cleverer than that.  Cleverer than anticipated, it would seem.  So the third strike means you're out where I come from.  No fuss.  No bother.  Just thanks for coming, and see you later.  I don't anticipate a fall out - but if there is, I'll manage it as it happens.

But for now, it's back to the advertised programming *wink*.