Sept 29th

So I'm done.

Yep.

30 practices in 29 days.

I totally rock.

HUGE gratuity kudos for Ben and Lucy, for supporting me in making this happen.

It's quite possible I may be conquering my fear of commitment.  Well, if I don't put it out there, I can't very well make moves towards the reality, now can I?  Fake it til you make it and all that.  I'm not a stubborn person.  I don't tend to have a pig-headedness about anything.  I'm the kind of person that gets incredibly excited about a new idea, rush into it all cylinders firing, only to get bored, lament the loss of free time I had before and promptly discard my new activity for something else.  Or nothing at all.  With zero feelings of guilt, regret or failure.  I just decide I don't want to do it anymore and that's that.

Now, I know a lot of people that are absolutely cringing reading that statement.  How can I NOT finish something?!  Don't I feel something is missing?  Don't I lie awake at night, bothered by it?  Nope.  Easy come, easy go, really.  It did start to bother me in the last few years.  Not so much that I don't stick with anything - I don't believe in flogging a dying horse, or going down with the ship.  Let the horse die peacefully and abandon that sinking vessel while you still can!  Moreso, I was concerned that I didn't have what it *takes* to complete something.  Sticktoitiveness.  Did I quit when things didn't seem to be going anywhere, or when I lost my passion - or did I quit when things got hard?  I wasn't sure and exploring the idea scared the beezeejus out of me.  But I had to know.

When I decided to do the challenge, I just wanted to commit to trying to complete the 30 days.  I knew care arrangements had the potential to make things tricky, so I was prepared to relinquish a day if logistics were the reason.  But that only reason aside, I wanted to commit to going - ill, tired, bloated, fatigued, scared, frazzled - or not.  Once I put it out there (wrote my name on the board, told two teachers and posted my intention here), things started falling into place.  When I talked to my beloved, he offered to mind Lucy on days he could, so I could practice.  And before I knew it, every single day offered a class at a time that worked in with my life.

So, it quickly moved from intending to try, to actually doing the bloody thing.

And here we are.  With only one real moment of "I sooooo don't wanna go today".  I think I actually willed time to stand still so I could sleep for another ten minutes that morning.  Turns out I do have what it takes to finish something.  And I'm quite pleased about that.  It was a pretty good endurance test, of both the physical, mental and emotional kind.  And spiritual some would argue.  But I have no idea how to go about that part intentionally through yoga, so I'm not sure I can count it (although it most likely is happening without my conscious awareness *grin*).

I've been playing with the idea of packing the wine glass away for the month of October.  This challenge seems a little scarier than yoga for 30 days, to be honest.  But again, I want to know if I can.  So, I think I will *smile*.  Fancy joining me?

In other news, had a total cute overload today.

My studio put on a school holidays class for kids.  One set of most postures, no heat.

Minimum age was 6.  The studio owner, Jacquie met Lucy and fell in love with her, after Lucy pulled her best downward dog.  So she was given a place *grin*.  

She was so tiny next to the other nine mini yogis.  But her determination, her focus and her concentration in her practice melted my heart.  I pushed back the tears a couple of times.  I was lucky to be able to capture shots, so I'll leave you with a couple.  So much cute.

xxx

Sept 2nd

Yogi zen moment number one.

Wake 5am.  Get in car at 5.30.

Discover flat battery at 5.31 due to child leaving interior lights on yesterday.

Cry in disbelief.  Attempt jump by bike (yeah, was never going to work, eh?).

Admit defeat for this morning and call roadside assist.

Still wanna cry.

At first glance, one might think the universe is trying to sabotage my efforts at commitment.  But really, it's just a simple case of shit happens, now deal with it.  I found the whole scenario quite incredulous, really.  As it was, an incredible gift was given to me by Ben, when he offered to be here for Lucy when she woke, make her breakfast, mind her until I arrived home - and work late to make up the late start - all so I could keep to my one-practice-per-day challenge.  The challenge states that you can make up one missed day by pulling a double (two classes in one day).  It's a headspace shift to get yourself committed to ONE a day - let alone two.  But it was a part of my reality due to parenting responsibilities when I accepted the challenge, so I was prepared for it (although not looking forward to it).

So, to have been given this gift.  To have managed to wake, creep out of bed and dress without waking my sleeping child.  To then not even get out of the driveway!  A friend often says "the Divine has a profound sense of humour".  I guess this was one of those times.

This story does have a happy ending though :o)

Midway through the day, I receive a message from my beloved telling me that he would be home by five, so I could make the 6pm class.  The surge of gratuity through my body was electric.  I didn't know what to say to that, other than a million thank yous.  His support for me on this challenge is keystone.  Already, at day two, I wouldn't have been able to maintain this commitment without his help.  Ben, I'm truly grateful, thank you.

And it was an amazing class.

August 24th

At Spotlight, my child goes nuts on the craft activities available for sale.

Picking up an animal mask "Can we paint this, Mama?"... 

Selecting textas and crayons and paints "What can we make with THESE, Mama?"

Collecting up ball of yarn upon ball of yarn "Can you knit me an animal with this one, Mama?"

She found a wee furniture set we could paint ourselves, for a dolls house and pleaded for it.  "Goose, you don't have a dolls house..?"  "They can be for the Polly Pockets!"  Of course.  How did I miss that?  I'm a sucker for craft, so in the bag it went.  And then she saw this:

"WOW!  What's THIS?"

The gems were a cincher.  She needed to choose.  The dolls furniture couldn't go back fast enough (much to my delight, if I'm honest).  We had much fun in the late afternoon sunshine, excavating for precious stones *smile*.

A little disappointed to have only found 2 gems (6 were advertised), but Lucy was very zen about the whole thing.  "Maybe another time, Mum".  Indeed, babe.

I found a really cool thing today.  A diary where I can put in my own dates.  Never seen one before!  It's utterly perfect of course, seeing as how I'm looking for a 2011 diary a little later than most.  So now I have a diary that started on Monday and takes me through to October next year.  I LOVE that!  So totally off course.  So totally me.

But the biggest thing that happened today?

*gulp*

I wrote my name on a blackboard outside the hot room in my yoga studio today.

What was so significant about writing my name on this blackboard, you ask?

Well, next to the names on this blackboard are 30 little squares.  One for each day of the month of September.  Yep.  Today I signed up for the Bikram 30 day challenge.

I always knew I would do one next year, once Lucy started school - but this year, I had written it off because my days are a little too chaotic and ever-changing to commit to doing something daily at a scheduled time.  I was lying in bed this morning contemplating this and I was marveling at my ability to justify myself out of absolutely everything!  My talent is fantastic.  So I decided to pole vault out of my comfort zone and just sign up.  Worry about the 'how' later.  For now, just commit to making something 'possible'.  

I told my teacher as soon as I walked in the door at 9.30 (so I couldn't back out).  Then I wrote my name on the board.  Then I told another teacher (more people holding me accountable).  Then I told the studio owner, Jacq.  Even more accountability.  Last stop was Ben.  I waited until he was home.  I am going to need his support.  Not just for one day a week child minding, but emotionally and mentally particularly.  The physical challenge is doable, achievable.  The getting up at 5am three days a week to make class will be harder.  Not to mention the double I'm going to have to pull one day per week, in order to make up for not being able to go on Fridays.  He was 100% supportive.  *smile*

So, in seven days, the challenge begins.  And you'll be with me every step of the way.

Looking forward to it? *grin*

Eep!

August 3rd

Today, I am grateful for my commitment!

For years, I'm talking YEARS, I have told myself over and over again that I will commit quality time to improving my physical health.  And each and every time I'm lucky if I last a few weeks before something else takes priority.  Interestingly, for a few years running, I would always contract a virus shortly after starting my new fitness plan, leaving me convalescing for two weeks or more, resulting in a complete loss of my energetic mojo.  What kind of self-sabotage was going on there, do you think!?  Jeepers.

Today, without *actually* setting a firm goal in place prior, I completed my second week of four sessions of daily yoga.  Saturday, Sunday, Monday, Tuesday last week.  And Saturday, Sunday, Tuesday, Wednesday this week.  Three of those sessions included a 5am wake up to get there!  I KNOW!

I feel so happy for this achievement!

I started doing body worship - Bikram style about a year ago.  Hot and heavy to begin with, until I damaged my elbow joints doing locust.  So I stopped going.  I wanted to rest them, to heal and then return.  I loved this practice even back then.  Exercising in a warm room in the middle of winter is an absolute win, really.  So a few months later, I returned.  But it was HARDER.  So I tried another studio, one nearer work, for a change of atmosphere.  That totally sucked.  I went twice and spent both sessions down on my mat trying not to throw up.  I thought it might have been due to the fact that the studio was up a flight of stairs and that I needed to be grounded.  Later, I realised it was pent up emotional toxicity sitting in my lungs and heart that I refused to release, so it sat there making me feel ill.  I only noticed its potency in the hot room.  Outside, I could ignore it.

Locust

I told myself I would do some personal exploration and try and release whatever was sitting there.  I really did want to resume my practice, but I was completely useless with this weight on my chest.  So, good intentions, yadda, yadda... something else inevitably took priority, it was never addressed and life went on.

I can't recall what it was that called me back the third time.  I hadn't long been back, when Ben decided he wanted to give it a try.  He's never looked back.  And I think it's great motivation for us both to be going.  Invariably one feels stronger one day, than the other - so we guilt trip the other into coming along :o).  My commitment third time around has been half-hearted.  Some days I feel strong, other days I can barely rise up from savasna.  It's the not-so-strong days that linger in my mind when I'm contemplating another session that week.  I can always, always find something I consider to be more important or worthwhile.

Recently I had some women in my community up about prioritising themselves in their lives - over their husbands, children, relatives, everyone.  I reminded them that if they fell to pieces, how many lives would grind to a halt.  Women don't often see it that way.  Mostly I think because the thought never enters their minds.  Falling apart is a non-negotiable, it just cannot happen.  Ever.  For that very reason.  Except, when I speak to women and ask them if they eat as well as they feed their children, if they take time out for themselves to recharge and replenish, if they play as well as work - I'm met with blank stares followed by "who has the time?".

All I can really, honestly say to that is adrenal fatigue is a physiological reality, baby.  You may not have fallen down yet, but you will, unless you prioritise you.  And I do think women of our generations are much better at this, than our mothers and grandmothers were.  So, we're improving.  And when we do make conscious choices to take "me" time out, we're modelling healthy behaviour to our children too, particularly our girl children.  The days of the martyr are dead, I tell you!  Dead!

Where was I?  Oh yes.  Prioritising you - or me, more specifically in this instance.

  As I was going on to them, I was thinking also of myself.  I needed to do this too, really make it happen, more than lip service.  So it has been a conscious effort to get myself to yoga - even on the days when I reeeeeally don't want to.  Like yesterday morning.  The alarm went off at 5am.  I sat up at 5.10am, grabbed my shirt, gathered it to my head then dropped it and crawled back under the covers, mumbling to Ben that I didn't want to go.  Then at 5.25, I made it happen.  And I felt better for it.  As I always do.  Even when I can barely walk out of class, I'm that wrecked, I'm still pleased that I won the psychological battle of maintaining my intention of persevering with a commitment I made to myself (most likely made when I was feeling strong and fabulous).

One of my yoga teachers posted this the other day and it's too good not to share :o)

Click to see image closer.

It's exactly how I feel some days and it illustrates beautifully the utterly natural feelings we may have about maintaining any kind of commitment to ourselves.  But I believe it's so much better to have these feelings while maintaining commitment, than to give up altogether, no?

June 21st

I can't believe how much work I got done today!

It was incredibly productive and it felt magnificent.

The natural breaks in concentration were few and far between, but when they did arrive (like to pee and eat), I was reminded of how much I enjoy the physical company of people in my work space.  And how much I miss it when I don't have it.

I remember when I was consulting in my clinic back in 2004, the most rewarding lesson I learned, was how I need to have people around me when I work.  I wasn't busy enough to need a receptionist, so it was just me and clients (and the odd family member that popped in to say 'hi').  And when there wasn't clients or pop in's - it was very lonely.  I realised I'm the kinda person that needs people around me.  I was reminded of that today.

Facebook is handy for that.  For me, Facebook is like a continuous gathering that is always happening, that has people arriving and leaving constantly, all the time.  I have many mutual friends, so I can witness and participate in one-on-one wall-to-wall conversations (which I liken to two or three people standing in a circle, chatting), as well as engage in open-to-all status updates.  I can wander into a corner and read an article quietly (on a wall) and then choose to join or strike up a discussion about that article.

Facebook is fantastic like that - but it's still not eye to eye contact with an energetic connection.

However - my reward for all my hard work was to come!

Craft circle! 

*squeeeeeeeeeeee*

I'm making my very last custom beanie, which I was pleased to have had a moment to start tonight (gorgeous colours she chose, don't you think?!).

I'm also working on a cardigan for myself - did I tell you about that?

I was more than a little nervous a week or so ago, when the instructions didn't match what I was looking at in the diagram.  I decided to continue on despite my fear and hope it would work itself out.  Tonight, another set of eyes were cast over the pattern and it all became clear.  *phew!*

My cardi WIP so far:

All in all, a very involved and productive day!

June 16th

Grateful for an afternoon and evening of connection,

with a gorgeous wee soul I'm blessed to be traveling this crazy 'ole life with.

And grateful for connection with me.

Happy full moon.

xxx

May 23rd

Today is a very special day in my blogging journey.

Today marks the six month mark of blogging every day for a year.

Gosh and golly.

For a straight A commitment-phobe, I reckon I'm doing mightily fine *grin*.

So today, I am grateful for my perseverance, for my tenacity, for my commitment.

And I am also incredibly grateful for the window into the utter beauty of my world that I have had the opportunity to witness as a result of this exercise.  It really does start to become effortless.  The reframing of a shitty day, to find something to be grateful for.  And the joy in pausing to take stock of the truly wonderful things, regardless of how big or small, that make up the fantastic days.

 We are blessed with so much, yet often appreciate so little.

The consciousness of gratitude redirects your focus.

And I'm finding that such a wonderful gift.

Have you started yours yet?

*smile*

_________________________________________


Just on a side note, here's a couple of pics of my ongoing love affair with tightarsery *grin*.
It's becoming an art form now.
And yep, I'm still stitchin' for Cambodia.  A couple more weeks until our woman flies out!  Heaps of time for more stitchin'!