Friday, February 11, 2011

Feb 11th

Honey, we'll miss you!
Damn it!

When the tears welled up in your eyes this week as you shared your heartache with me.
When you stared at me as the words flowed, incredulous that you were sharing with me so freely because, as you mentioned "I hardly know you!", I knew instinctively to step closer to you, to take your hand, oh so subtly.... we were at work after all, standing conspicuously in the middle of the floor.

When you said to me "I feel like doing something stupid" and I pulled your eyes to mine and told you you were loved, really loved, I'm not sure you heard me.  I'm not sure you were even present, so acute was your heartache.

I'm so sorry I did nothing.
I'm so sorry I ignored my instinct to tell Faye and decided instead to not violate your trust, your privacy.
Privacy, always privacy.  The catchphrase of our workplace.  Protecting the privacy of our customers, of our colleagues, of ourselves.  Sweet D.  I'm just so sorry.

I'm sorry you weren't heard.  I'm so sorry we didn't act sooner when you weren't here.  I'm so sorry you felt there was no other choice.  No one there for you.

I will miss our excited catch-ups over the updates to the website you were so proudly building. I will miss talking tech and comparing phones with you and not so quietly espousing the benefits of HTC over iphone *smile*.  I will miss your strut around the office, your swish dress sense, your beautiful shoes.
And I will miss your smile.  Oh how I will miss your huge smile that took your eyes and face hostage in its radiance.  Thank you for trusting me with your heart for those small moments.  

My tears are finally falling for you sweet D.
They took a while to come.  But they flow freely now.
I think of you flowing freely now.  Free from struggle, free from pain so suffocating you couldn't breathe.  Fly free darling man.
Until next time xx

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