Feb 14th

Grateful for tiny perfections.

Is it just me, or do you also find the simple, repetitious things help to still the mind, calm the emotional storm.

An arm in the making, perfectly round, no seams.  No seams!  Such beauty.  I will be forever grateful to the woman who introduced me to magic loop knitting.  You know who you are *smile*.

Work was cathartic today.  Exactly what I needed.

Group counseling sessions were arranged for the morning, freely available to anyone who wanted to attend.  A very skilled person facilitated us through the labyrinth of emotions we were experiencing.  Because you see, it's not just what's happened to D that is impacting... it's the myriad of past experiences that this moment hijacks from the memory banks and thrusts into the present.  Like the suicide of a co-worker's brother five years ago.  Like the death of a co-worker's partner as a result of a heart attack three years ago.  Death.  So real, so potent, so evocative.  No one is immune.

I realised retrospectively just how much guilt I was carrying as a result of remaining silent.

Towards the end of the group session, I asked if there was anything we should be looking for, when soul's are bared.  Anything to indicate the darkness of where they may be.  From there, the tears spilled, the space held with so much love, no judgement, just love.  As the words tumbled, arms reached out in comfort, but still, respectful silence was granted, allowing me to relieve my heart uninterrupted.

 I learned that Faye had been made aware.  That D had agreed to a meet the very next day, the day he never showed for.  In that one revelation, my resolve melted.  I stood to leave, holding it together, until I turned to see open arms and the warmest brown eyes staring back at me.  No expectation, just love.  I hesitated for a micro second before dissolving into her arms, releasing hours and hours of pent up grief and guilt.  I sobbed and sobbed as she stroked my hair, whispering in my ear words that escape me now.  

I emerged from her embrace to find a tight circle of five people surrounding us, holding my coffee cup with tissues at the ready.  I looked at the three already soaked in my hand, and laughed out loud at how I had underestimated myself. 

The rest of the day, was interspersed with taking a call from a customer, a conversation with a peer, a laugh at D's crazy sense of humour, a shared quiet moment in thought, a smile with, prior to today, a relative stranger...  The bonding, the sense of community with such a large collection of colleagues has been heartwarming.  And while every 30 seconds or so, I needed to consciously take a deep breath to make sure the oxygen reached the depths of my soul, with every breath, it got easier and less conscious.

I sit here writing, conscious of how my eyes still feel swollen hours later, but my heart feels so much less burdened.  The laughs outnumbered the tears by the time I left the office today.  And tomorrow will be slightly easier again.  Until then, my hands remain busy with my wee arm in the making.  Oh, and a glass of merlot, or two.