August 31st

Today was such a huge rollercoaster of emotions.

Heartache at potently missing my babe.  I think at a cellular level, my arms and heart and lips know when it's Wednesday.  They know that they have to hold out for that long before being able to scoop her up and hold her close, smothering her in kisses for a full two minutes before letting her down.  This week marked a change in care - now Thursday to Sunday - but my cellular consciousness is still programed to Wednesdays.  It knew something was terribly wrong and everything ached in wanting.

Receiving an email from a friend with an air of promise and potential.  Giddying, just the thought of what could be possible.  As is my way.  Heart wide open.  Vulnerable, trusting.  Cos what's the point, otherwise?  Been there, closed that.  Yes, if frickin' hurts when you're shat on.  My childhood gave me many, many experiences to relish.  I do know that in most cases, leopards don't change their spots - but who the hell am I to pigeon-hole?  I will always, always give the benefit of the doubt.  I would rather trust and be proved wrong, than live with suspicion and doubt and be proved right.  It's a million times easier to trust.  Suspicion is a mind-screw!  And it's exhausting.  I'd rather use my energy towards love, compassion, kindness and joy.  Because that gives you strength, it doesn't deplete it.  Kinda like a superfood smoothie.

Which is what I *didn't* have for dinner tonight, as planned.

No.  What did I have?  Pizza and red wine.

Night before the first day of the challenge.  Why?  Am I self-sabotaging?

I'm going, whether my stomach is bloated and my bowels are screaming or not.  So why do this to myself?  I know I'm going to feel like shite.  Why do I choose to make life hard for myself?  *sigh*

Some pics of fluff, cos they're soooo freakin' cute.

August 30th

I woke this morning, grateful for the reminder that mixing three types of alcoholic beverages in one evening is not a great idea.  No yoga for me today (quite aside from the fact that the birds woke me after five hours sleep).  I was brought my computer and a coffee in bed and decided to stay there until the laptop shut down for lack of battery power.  That turned out to be after midday.  Bliss.

I did come across a distressing occurrence in that time.

A blog post written by Naomi Dunford, a popular woman in the online blogging community who is being subjected to malicious and hateful (not to mention criminal) abuse.  Her one request was to share her situation far and wide, so as to rebuke the cyber silencing two particular groups are attempting on not just Naomi, but eventually towards women bloggers in general, according to their plans.  This bullying has reached the point of threatening her life.  In all seriousness.  Astonishing, despicable and frightening.  If you would like to show your support via facebook, here is her page.  If you have a blog yourself, perhaps consider reposting her blog on the hatred (linked in the second sentence of this paragraph) with your community.  As Naomi says herself "I am being stalked. People want to kill me. They want me to be afraid.  These people are planning a hate crime, and they are relying on me hiding in silence to succeed."  Sometimes our voice is the most powerful tool we have.

I attended an info night tonight, at Lucy's soon-to-be school.

There was information about transition to prep.  Things parents can do to help over the next four months, in preparing our children and readying them.  And the programs the preps will be involved in.  We met more students and most of the prep teachers.  With everything each presenter shared with us, I found myself nodding along.  The decision for my child to attend this school is still sitting well with me and I'm so pleased.  One thing that really struck me tonight, that I hadn't noticed before, was the number of smile lines that graced the principal's face.  And barely a frown line to be seen.  Little things...  And the prep teachers all had the energy of not long being out of prep themselves.  Very nice.

Tonight, I'm grateful for having a voice.  And for having a conduit for communication.

For having a vital body that reminds me when I'm abusing it.

For finding a community that may come close to nurturing my child's intellectual, emotional and physical bodies almost as well as I can.  And the knowledge that this community plus Ben, her Dad and me will be a rockin' combination.

August 29th

Grateful for soft, silky bundles of unconditional lovin'.

Grateful for colour, brightness and joy.

Grateful for new friends, good food and excuses to drink too much wine.

Apol for dodgy photo.  Much wine, much hilarity, not much concentration on getting quality pic.

Have you seen these?  I'm focusing on them a lot at the moment.

Grateful for good friends that bring these reminders into my consciousness.

August 28th

Today I'm truly grateful for seeing all the wonderful things in my life.

When you can see the good stuff so clearly, it makes the not so good stuff REALLY stand out.  And once you can see something, you can get a really good grip of the edges and then you can do anything you like with it.  Like remove it.  Oftentimes though, things in your life are entangled, and extrapolation is not an easy task.  But sometimes, it gets to the point where your sense of self requires you to make change.

Ben and I attended a yoga posture clinic today.

Beginning with a 7.30am class.  

There was three rows of bodies.  I haven't seen it that packed in our wee studio for a long time.  It was wonderful.  I love it that busy.  The energy in the room was wonderful.  The majority of students stayed after class for the clinic.  The environment of people were wonderful.  Such lightness!  Such happiness!  So much joy.  There was fruit for snacks and sushi for lunch.  Coconut water.  Smoothies.  There was even a magic bean run.  To be surrounded by people passionate about the same thing I was passionate about, was wonderful!  Even their poison matched my poison *grin*.

And it made me realise I'm doing that less and less.  Instead, I have chosen to maintain relationships that don't resonate with the woman I am or the woman I want to be.  I want more time with people who challenge and enrich me.  I want more time involving myself in activities that shed new light on life.  (I spoke with a woman today who is venturing to Peru for a women's only yoga trek!  THAT's what I want!)  I very much want to share conversations with people that see the beauty in life, the greatness in opportunities.  Abundance.  Today highlighted to me how much time I spend surrounded by the opposite of these thought patterns.  Not only am I not enriching my life, the contrary is happening.  For a time now, I have felt murky, clouded, confused by this person I spent time embodying.  Like anything, when you're plunged within the depths of a situation, behaviour, relationship, it can be difficult to see yourself there.  Today I saw myself there.  And I no longer want to be there.

I truly believe you attract what you think.  Situations in your life happen because of what you're focusing on.  Even saying to the universe "I don't want to be ill" still attracts illness.  Universal energy doesn't discern the difference between 'want' and 'don't want'.  It hears 'ill' and delivers.  "I want wellness" is a clearer message to asking for what you want.  The same for people.  The same for everything!  I want more abundance.  I want more joy.  I want more love.  I want more honesty.  I want more compassion.  I want more authenticity.  More than I'm attracting now.  So, I'm working on it.

______________________________________________

Tonight , I'm reminded of this poem.  A mantra to live by, if you will.

Imagine a woman
who believes it is right and good she is woman.
A woman who honours her experience and tells her stories.
Who refuses to carry the sins of others within her body and life.

Imagine a woman
who believes she is good.
A woman who trusts and respects herself.
Who listens to her needs and desires and meets them with tenderness and grace.

Imagine a woman
who has acknowledged the past's influence on the present.
A woman who has walked through her past.
Who has healed into the present.

Imagine a woman
who authors her own life.
A woman who exerts, initiates, and moves on her own behalf.
Who refuses to surrender except to her truest self and to her wisest voice.

Imagine a woman
who names her own gods.
A woman who imagines the divine in her image and likeness.
Who designs her own spirituality and allows it to inform her daily life.

Imagine a woman
in love with her own body.
A woman who believes her body is enough, just as it is.
Who celebrates her body and its rhythms and cycles as an exquisite resource.

Imagine a woman
who honors the face of the Goddess in her changing face.
A woman who celebrates the accumulation of her years and her wisdom.
Who refuses to use her precious life energy disguising the changes in her body and life.

Imagine a woman
who values the women in her life.
A woman who sits in circles of women.
Who is reminded of the truth about herself when she forgets.

Imagine yourself as this woman.

Patricia Lynn Reilly

Thank you to the two women who bought this quote into my consciousness.

August 27th

Grateful for warm winter days.

Ready-made salads.

Antics of children.

Laughter of friends.

Conversations of shared passions.

Strawberry daiquiris.

Rainbow yarn.

Crochet hooks.

Really bad movies.

Eye candy saving grace.

(If Jude Law's your thing.)

 

August 26th

Grateful for universal timing :o)

So, I called a guy about a chook shed today.  Gave him the rough dimensions of our space and a basic idea of what I wanted.  Turns out, a few months ago a guy requested a custom-make similar dimensions and requirements to what I gave him - but never collected it (or paid).  With me happy to consider our chookie shed could already be built and him happy that he could finally be moving this wee shed out of his workshop, we arranged a viewing for that afternoon.

It was close enough to perfect (we don't need the outdoor enclosed space, but hey).  I talked him through a few modifications to see if he was happy to do them (he was), shook his hand and told him we'd pick it up tomorrow.  Yay!  Win win for us both.  Love that.

I checked the mail when I got home and THIS was waiting for me!

Sumptuous, luscious yarn.  Hand dyed.

The best kind of thank you gift I could possibly imagine.

Thank you right back gorgeous woman.  And once again, you're most welcome.

Now, what to make with it??!!!

Suggestions?

August 25th

Grateful for more than a little bit of muscle.

The beginnings of the walls to our orchard.

We needed to get a wriggle on because the kiwifruit and banana passionfruit are sprouting and sending out tendrils!  Will be wonderful once it's done.  Think I'll call about the chook house tomorrow!

August 24th

At Spotlight, my child goes nuts on the craft activities available for sale.

Picking up an animal mask "Can we paint this, Mama?"... 

Selecting textas and crayons and paints "What can we make with THESE, Mama?"

Collecting up ball of yarn upon ball of yarn "Can you knit me an animal with this one, Mama?"

She found a wee furniture set we could paint ourselves, for a dolls house and pleaded for it.  "Goose, you don't have a dolls house..?"  "They can be for the Polly Pockets!"  Of course.  How did I miss that?  I'm a sucker for craft, so in the bag it went.  And then she saw this:

"WOW!  What's THIS?"

The gems were a cincher.  She needed to choose.  The dolls furniture couldn't go back fast enough (much to my delight, if I'm honest).  We had much fun in the late afternoon sunshine, excavating for precious stones *smile*.

A little disappointed to have only found 2 gems (6 were advertised), but Lucy was very zen about the whole thing.  "Maybe another time, Mum".  Indeed, babe.

I found a really cool thing today.  A diary where I can put in my own dates.  Never seen one before!  It's utterly perfect of course, seeing as how I'm looking for a 2011 diary a little later than most.  So now I have a diary that started on Monday and takes me through to October next year.  I LOVE that!  So totally off course.  So totally me.

But the biggest thing that happened today?

*gulp*

I wrote my name on a blackboard outside the hot room in my yoga studio today.

What was so significant about writing my name on this blackboard, you ask?

Well, next to the names on this blackboard are 30 little squares.  One for each day of the month of September.  Yep.  Today I signed up for the Bikram 30 day challenge.

I always knew I would do one next year, once Lucy started school - but this year, I had written it off because my days are a little too chaotic and ever-changing to commit to doing something daily at a scheduled time.  I was lying in bed this morning contemplating this and I was marveling at my ability to justify myself out of absolutely everything!  My talent is fantastic.  So I decided to pole vault out of my comfort zone and just sign up.  Worry about the 'how' later.  For now, just commit to making something 'possible'.  

I told my teacher as soon as I walked in the door at 9.30 (so I couldn't back out).  Then I wrote my name on the board.  Then I told another teacher (more people holding me accountable).  Then I told the studio owner, Jacq.  Even more accountability.  Last stop was Ben.  I waited until he was home.  I am going to need his support.  Not just for one day a week child minding, but emotionally and mentally particularly.  The physical challenge is doable, achievable.  The getting up at 5am three days a week to make class will be harder.  Not to mention the double I'm going to have to pull one day per week, in order to make up for not being able to go on Fridays.  He was 100% supportive.  *smile*

So, in seven days, the challenge begins.  And you'll be with me every step of the way.

Looking forward to it? *grin*

Eep!

August 23rd

Particularly grateful today for the reinvigorating energy I received from my workout this morning.

I'm so used to feeling exhausted after a workout.  Endorphin rush, sure, but usually a frenetic WHOO!! kind of energy that leaves me feeling a little tired after the rush has worn off.  Yoga has the opposite effect when I hit the sweet spot.  Sweet spot, as in the right hydration, the right heat, the right fuel in my muscles all coming together making just the schmick workout.  Like today.  Even feeling the lurgie still lingering in my chest and my nose running more than usual, I came away feeling so high, so energized, so restored!

I was at craft night this evening and one woman was talking about wanting to exercise.  Naturally I pipe up espousing the virtues and glories of my yoga - to which the rest of the room choruses "Oh god no!  Not *her* yoga!  Big purple monsters eat you for breakfast then spit you out onto dahlias at *that* yoga!"  Or words to that effect.  I had to giggle.  They don't know what they're missing out on.  *grin*

August 22nd

Grateful for a hot curry to clear the sinuses.

A cool beer to calm the tastebuds.

An hour of True Blood.

And the decision that I'm done with this virus.

Come tomorrow, life continues (up from off the couch!).

August 21st

Grateful for the gathering of sisterhood.

I love, almost more than anything, being a part of the gathering together of womenfolk.

I know not all gatherings of women are nurturing.  Sometimes competitiveness and fear-based emotions dominate, resulting in negative energy, cruel words, spiteful looks, exclusion.  I have bared witness to gatherings where these elements are present.  I feel them acutely - always have.  Born with some kind of emotional energetic geiger-counter (or some bloody thing), I have always been able to smell bullshit a heartbeat away.  And when I say bullshit, I'm talking falsehoods, either in word or intent.  There's a real shift in energy when someone is attempting to mask their true intent.  Nine times out of ten I leave them to it and walk away (for the afternoon, the week, or for good, depending on the person).  You can't weed someone else's garden, and most of the time I don't want to.

Women are where I nourish my soul, so it's with women I find myself drawn towards.  I love women, ADORE THEM!  With all their complexities and herstory.  With the maternal legacies they bring with them - for better or for worse.  I always feel a potent collection of maternal lineage present at a blessingway.  Like with every woman physically present, she brings with her, her ancestral line of women passed before her.  The energy at blessingways are always so potent.

Today's was just gorgeous.  Chilled out, relaxed, fun and sweet - much like the birthing goddess we were honouring.  I didn't realise how naked my wrist felt until the thread was fastened.  I think it's been eight months since my last mama blessing!  I do recall a fabulous season of upcoming birthing - I think my wrist was adorned with three collections of thread!

A woman is also responsible for my utmost feeling of gratitude today.

She offered to throw me a birthday party.  No one has ever done that before.  It felt wonderful!  I actually had to double check with her minutes later, that she was truly offering.  She wondered why I sounded so surprised *smile*.  This year's birthday is special to me.  I'm big on seven year cycles.  Not only that, it marks the end of this daily commentary of my life.  Which I guess means you'll only read of the run-up - but not of the *actual* event.

... Actually, no, you will.  We're planning it for the Saturday *before* my birthday.  *laugh*

I'm so very thankful to have been invited to be a part of Tegan's blessing the way for her baby today.  Blessingways are such personal, intimate occasions.  To be invited by a woman into her birthing space, is truly special to me.  And I'm so very thankful to have been offered a gathering of my very own!  One to celebrate *my* birth (particularly as I have not and will not be blessing the way for a babe again).  And I do so love a gathering of women-folk *sigh*.

August 20th

Grateful for pharmaceutical aches-n-pains inhibitors.

A sweet wee boy in our community was celebrating his fourth birthday today and I really wanted to go.  Not only that, I was quite fed up with feeling like pins were pricking into my skin with every movement I made.  I slept for most of the morning - grateful once again for the connected relationship my beloved and my child share - but I was missing her too.  I rarely, very rarely do drugs.  But today called for it.

The sun was shinning, the sky was a magnificent blue and the raucousness of many, many boy children was perfect for clearing out the fogginess in my brain.  My reserved girl child spent most of the gathering snuggled in the warm lap of my beloved, before extending that invisible cord we still share to run across the grassy mounds.

My gazelle...

And I love the sass in this shot.

I love how big and powerful she looks in this photo.

Will have to print a copy of this onto canvass for her, for her room I think. Yep.

August 19th

Can't shake this damn virus.

I am curious as to its movement this time around.  Viral afflictions with me usually begin in the throat, move to the sinuses and then end in the chest.  This one began in the chest and went backwards.  Although, no throat symptoms yet.  Fingers crossed.

I think I overexerted myself today (there was a pantry and fridge that needed restocking, kittens to be picked up - and okay, the yoga gear *could* have been tried on and purchased another day... but I was there, ya know?).  By 4pm I was a complete wreck.

Ben was scheduled to have today as part of his leave, but he decided to go in anyway.  He did say if I needed his help to kiddie-wrangle, to call him.  So I did.  He was home by 5pm and I felt like death warmed up by that stage.  Feverish chills are revolting things.  He mentioned casually there were drinks planned for after work.  I felt sad that he'd missed a social opportunity and infinitely grateful that he'd come home to help me out instead.  I said to him "it sucks to be a family man, huh?" He replied with "yeah, for about 2 days out of 464"

Heartspace for that man exploded, if at all possible.

Not his child.  Not his responsibility.  And yet, we are absolutely a family.

August 18th

Grateful for a change in mindset when things don't go to plan.

After all, we have facebook!  We have books!  And we have each other!

Grateful for plush surroundings in which to wait, courtesy of our accommodation.

Airport comfort downstairs.

Airport comfort upstairs!

Grateful for the arrival of the inevitable.

(And the giggles when fellow passengers holler out "free drinks!" at the airline's apology for lateness.  I do so love Melbournians :o)

August 17th

The day started off magically...

More cocktails with our crocheting, savvy in the sun.  Lounging by the pool and devouring our books.

But something shifted in me by mid afternoon.  A cough that came on in the morning got progressively worse... stomach gripes... fever... body aches... lethargy... zero appetite.  Which was the thing that bothered me the most to be honest.  We had the seven course degustation dinner on the beach booked for tonight.  I could barely get off the bed at half five - let alone raise an appetite for seven courses of food.

Because I had (briefly) entertained the thought of a digestive cleanse for this time away, I had packed the In Liven.  I am incredibly grateful that I did.  My beloved kept the green shots coming and I could literally feel the gorgeous probiotics fighting the good fight in my gut.  I had waves of feeling stronger followed by waves of dissolving into the sheets.  Ever grateful for room service, in-house movies and a patient beloved happy to provide his lap as my pillow during my convalesce.  

August 16th

The view at breakfast...

The view for evening cocktails...

And a few pics from in between...

Grateful for all this and a weather forecast for more of the same tomorrow.

*sigh*

August 15th

Tropical island, surrounded by azure waters.  Check.

Blue skies, white sand, palm trees.  Check.

Warm air and cool breezes.  Check.

 

Smoke-free resort.  Check.

Room ten metres across sand to the water.  Check.

Gorgeous, friendly staff meeting your every need.  Check.

 

And I'm not exaggerating that last part.  Within minutes of our arrival, complimentary fruit punch consumed, we were in our room and out of our Melbournian cold-weather clothes and into bathers and a sarong.  Down on the sand, on sun loungers, under a beach canopy, book in hand.  Along comes a member of staff with tall glasses of lime water, asking if we're thirsty...  an hour later another staff member strolls along with fruit kebabs, asking if we're nibblish...  Our every desire is met without us even having to get our toes sandy.  Chilled glasses of bubbly delivered... we were after all, celebrating *smile*.  Celebrating four days of doing not much at all.

We wanted to venture to the store, to stock up on essentials... fruit, wine, chocolate - that kind of thing.  (Oh, and we needed scissors for our yarn-crafting, because ours were confiscated at the airport - d'oh!)  We wander down to reception.. "Oh, we can take you anywhere you want.  And when you're done at the store, just ask them to call us to come get you.  You won't need your money, just ask the store to charge back to the room.  Yes, anywhere on the island will do this for you.  Except the post office." We exchange glances and smile.  This could get dangerous.

We discover later, the charge back and pick up service is exclusive to the Beach Club.  I found this out because after we paid for our groceries and left the store, I remembered we needed to call for a pick up.  Except I couldn't remember the name of our accommodation.  It felt utterly odd to be doing so, but I waited back in the queue and said "um, can I please ask you to arrange a pick up for us?"  She said "Yes, you're staying at the Beach Club Resort, are you?"

"YES!" (whew!) "That's the one!"

Marvelous!

Lying on the beach today, I had more than a few "am I really here?" moments.

This exact moment in time - a guest at an attentive resort, lying on the sand, waves crashing in my ear, sun warming me from the inside out - is a manifestation years in the making.  Whenever I would think of my ultimate holiday, my ultimate dream to wallow away the hours replenishing my soul, it would always be exactly this.  This manifestation began in my teens.  I never knew how it would happen - I do not come from wealthy means, nor did I ever seek to obtain a high-rolling career - I just imagined myself there.  Here.  And while this isn't the first tropical island getaway I've enjoyed, today came close to the fantasy I always imagined.

What is it with women and weddings.... we just luff, huh?

Ben and I got philosophical today (the intoxication of environment and bubbles tends to bring it out in me), pondering the richness of our day.  We talked about why we weren't putting the money into our mortgage, to reach our goal of financial freedom sooner.  Surely that makes better financial sense, than frittering dollars away on a beach holiday (when in just a few months we will be walking distance to a beach enabling us to wallow in the sunshine much like we are here...)?  

And for me, it came down to this:  I imagine the time immediately after death to be just like it is in the movies.  A conscious recollection of your life so far lived.  I do not live in fear of my own death, at all.  Much in all as I'd love to be immortal (the places I'd travel to, the languages I'd learn, the things I'd discover - oh!), I'm not.  But what I would really lament, is expiring early, being faced with that conscious recollection of my life thus far and being disappointed that I had delayed pleasure.  Delayed the things in life that bring me so much happiness.  I would be really sad about that.  Because I could not go back.  I couldn't ask for one more week.  

How many people start ticking off their bucket lists only once they get that diagnosis of terminal illness?  How many people have even *written* a bucket list, at all?!  Why wait.  I don't believe in an eternal kingdom, where all the good stuff happens after you die.  Cos to me that just sounds like life is merely a waiting room and living is no more than treading water.  And I don't believe that I am a human being striving for spirituality.  No.  Of my spiritual embodiment I am sure of.  I very much see myself as a spiritual being here in this life to have a human experience.  And if I die ten minutes from now, I want to sit down with a bottle of latest vintage Oyster Bay sauvingnon blanc and laugh and cry reliving the fabulous experiences that have made up my life so far.  Because it's been wonderful.