August 3rd

Today, I am grateful for my commitment!

For years, I'm talking YEARS, I have told myself over and over again that I will commit quality time to improving my physical health.  And each and every time I'm lucky if I last a few weeks before something else takes priority.  Interestingly, for a few years running, I would always contract a virus shortly after starting my new fitness plan, leaving me convalescing for two weeks or more, resulting in a complete loss of my energetic mojo.  What kind of self-sabotage was going on there, do you think!?  Jeepers.

Today, without *actually* setting a firm goal in place prior, I completed my second week of four sessions of daily yoga.  Saturday, Sunday, Monday, Tuesday last week.  And Saturday, Sunday, Tuesday, Wednesday this week.  Three of those sessions included a 5am wake up to get there!  I KNOW!

I feel so happy for this achievement!

I started doing body worship - Bikram style about a year ago.  Hot and heavy to begin with, until I damaged my elbow joints doing locust.  So I stopped going.  I wanted to rest them, to heal and then return.  I loved this practice even back then.  Exercising in a warm room in the middle of winter is an absolute win, really.  So a few months later, I returned.  But it was HARDER.  So I tried another studio, one nearer work, for a change of atmosphere.  That totally sucked.  I went twice and spent both sessions down on my mat trying not to throw up.  I thought it might have been due to the fact that the studio was up a flight of stairs and that I needed to be grounded.  Later, I realised it was pent up emotional toxicity sitting in my lungs and heart that I refused to release, so it sat there making me feel ill.  I only noticed its potency in the hot room.  Outside, I could ignore it.

Locust

I told myself I would do some personal exploration and try and release whatever was sitting there.  I really did want to resume my practice, but I was completely useless with this weight on my chest.  So, good intentions, yadda, yadda... something else inevitably took priority, it was never addressed and life went on.

I can't recall what it was that called me back the third time.  I hadn't long been back, when Ben decided he wanted to give it a try.  He's never looked back.  And I think it's great motivation for us both to be going.  Invariably one feels stronger one day, than the other - so we guilt trip the other into coming along :o).  My commitment third time around has been half-hearted.  Some days I feel strong, other days I can barely rise up from savasna.  It's the not-so-strong days that linger in my mind when I'm contemplating another session that week.  I can always, always find something I consider to be more important or worthwhile.

Recently I had some women in my community up about prioritising themselves in their lives - over their husbands, children, relatives, everyone.  I reminded them that if they fell to pieces, how many lives would grind to a halt.  Women don't often see it that way.  Mostly I think because the thought never enters their minds.  Falling apart is a non-negotiable, it just cannot happen.  Ever.  For that very reason.  Except, when I speak to women and ask them if they eat as well as they feed their children, if they take time out for themselves to recharge and replenish, if they play as well as work - I'm met with blank stares followed by "who has the time?".

All I can really, honestly say to that is adrenal fatigue is a physiological reality, baby.  You may not have fallen down yet, but you will, unless you prioritise you.  And I do think women of our generations are much better at this, than our mothers and grandmothers were.  So, we're improving.  And when we do make conscious choices to take "me" time out, we're modelling healthy behaviour to our children too, particularly our girl children.  The days of the martyr are dead, I tell you!  Dead!

Where was I?  Oh yes.  Prioritising you - or me, more specifically in this instance.

  As I was going on to them, I was thinking also of myself.  I needed to do this too, really make it happen, more than lip service.  So it has been a conscious effort to get myself to yoga - even on the days when I reeeeeally don't want to.  Like yesterday morning.  The alarm went off at 5am.  I sat up at 5.10am, grabbed my shirt, gathered it to my head then dropped it and crawled back under the covers, mumbling to Ben that I didn't want to go.  Then at 5.25, I made it happen.  And I felt better for it.  As I always do.  Even when I can barely walk out of class, I'm that wrecked, I'm still pleased that I won the psychological battle of maintaining my intention of persevering with a commitment I made to myself (most likely made when I was feeling strong and fabulous).

One of my yoga teachers posted this the other day and it's too good not to share :o)

Click to see image closer.

It's exactly how I feel some days and it illustrates beautifully the utterly natural feelings we may have about maintaining any kind of commitment to ourselves.  But I believe it's so much better to have these feelings while maintaining commitment, than to give up altogether, no?