Monday, August 1, 2011

August 1st

Today marks Imbolc in my part of the world.
The festival of the maiden.
The time to prepare for growth and renewal.
Dispensing of the old and making way for the new.

Today, a political drama interwoven in my world, that began 29 years ago, experienced a cease-fire.  Resulting in two families previously intertwined, releasing their bonds of strained obligation, to continue their lives without the presence of the other.

Don't believe in them, personally.

It wasn't a dramatic act of flamboyant severance.  There was no drama (well, not on my part).  Just a realisation that sometimes what's broke just can't - or doesn't want - to be fixed.  Being somewhat of a control freak, an eldest child and a lover of family, my inability over the years to allow squabbles and silence to work themselves out without my interference has a proven record.  And for the most part, there has been success.  This time, it seems I have mastered the all-important art of Letting Go.  It was a fairly serious squabble and it has sustained itself to the point of a partial severance between some family members - both maintaining their ground, neither seeking to repair the rift, nor seemingly wanting to.

But, it's not my bag, baby.  And I'm so perfectly okay with that.  So what does it have to do with me?  Well, lies in deceit within a family I am a part of tends to get me curious as to the roots.  There's a fine line between "none of my business" and "well, we're in this family together and if you are actually lying and stealing and manipulating the story like I've heard, then I need to know who I'm dealing with for future reference".  I accepted the story shared from one side and felt no need to alter my relationship with that family member (I don't do judgement and no harm was about to come to me or my child as a result of this misdemeanor).  The other side of the story was not so forthcoming, despite three opportunities to share.  Unfortunately all I did receive after a month's silence post first request, was passive-aggressive words via a third party family member attempting to silence me, then a scathing retort basically telling me to shove off.  No response to my *actual* questions, though.  Hmmm.  Okay, sure.

So, kinda difficult for me to determine one way or another when all I have is one perspective.  But that person's choice was to block me rather than communicate with me.  I was inquiring to determine the future of my relationship with that person, not to interfere with the squabble in situ.  Still, for some reason it wasn't interpreted that way (perhaps because of my proven record I was mentioning earlier.  It's entirely possible :o).  So, rather than maintain the effort of healing a wound that most likely does not want to be healed, I am accepting, that family or not, I have a choice to determine whether certain relationships are worth the effort of nurturing and healing in the hope they flourish - or to accept that for the moment anyway, some relationships may just be as toxic underneath as what they appear to be on top.

So, for now it seems, my life has been freed from a mostly difficult and lengthy engagement.  I don't actually believe the fallout has completed its deployment.  I sincerely hope that it has, but that's just not how things work in this family.  Things are always a long, drawn-out affair, but not in the good way.  But just for the moment - and for however long this moment lasts - I will enjoy the peace and the quiet.

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