Wednesday, August 31, 2011

August 31st

Today was such a huge rollercoaster of emotions.

Heartache at potently missing my babe.  I think at a cellular level, my arms and heart and lips know when it's Wednesday.  They know that they have to hold out for that long before being able to scoop her up and hold her close, smothering her in kisses for a full two minutes before letting her down.  This week marked a change in care - now Thursday to Sunday - but my cellular consciousness is still programed to Wednesdays.  It knew something was terribly wrong and everything ached in wanting.

Receiving an email from a friend with an air of promise and potential.  Giddying, just the thought of what could be possible.  As is my way.  Heart wide open.  Vulnerable, trusting.  Cos what's the point, otherwise?  Been there, closed that.  Yes, if frickin' hurts when you're shat on.  My childhood gave me many, many experiences to relish.  I do know that in most cases, leopards don't change their spots - but who the hell am I to pigeon-hole?  I will always, always give the benefit of the doubt.  I would rather trust and be proved wrong, than live with suspicion and doubt and be proved right.  It's a million times easier to trust.  Suspicion is a mind-screw!  And it's exhausting.  I'd rather use my energy towards love, compassion, kindness and joy.  Because that gives you strength, it doesn't deplete it.  Kinda like a superfood smoothie.

Which is what I *didn't* have for dinner tonight, as planned.
No.  What did I have?  Pizza and red wine.
Night before the first day of the challenge.  Why?  Am I self-sabotaging?
I'm going, whether my stomach is bloated and my bowels are screaming or not.  So why do this to myself?  I know I'm going to feel like shite.  Why do I choose to make life hard for myself?  *sigh*

Some pics of fluff, cos they're soooo freakin' cute.

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