Sunday, September 4, 2011

Sept 4th

Grateful for wonderful reasons to be still.

Apart from intermittent moments during practice (which is not so much stillness as it is recovery from near-death experiences), our day was constant movement from opening our eyes at seven-ish or thereabouts, until just after one pm, where we nestled ourselves into the welcoming home of dear friends for a BBQ lunch.

We thoroughly enjoy the company of these gorgeous people.  Conversation is always lively and interesting.  I laid my hands on a belly swelling with life, for the first time in heavens knows how long!  And received some fantastic advice about the reality of the life-expectancy of my car battery.  Apparently the sealed batteries recover much better than the non-sealed ones(? or whatever the opposite is!).  So very happy to know I'm not likely to be stranded anytime soon and very grateful to know that I'm still as clucky for a babe as all get out.

Grateful you ask?  Huh?
Yes, I have made a conscious decision, along with Ben, to not conceive any more children.  And I have both mourned and celebrated that decision (both of which still occur time and again on my part).  I think I kind of thought once I had made that decision and cemented it in my psyche, that my maternal yearnings would shrivel up and cease to exist.  And those yearnings have been such a huge part of my life, for so many years (for the most part, unrequited) and seemingly so connected to my passion - I wasn't sure what would happen once they were gone!  And while I'm content in my decision (most days ;o), I'm grateful to know that those yearnings are still present in me.  I see those yearnings as so connected to the *mother* archetype (not just *mother* as the common view of the archetype, *mother* as mothering anything - animals, people, ideas, goals, dreams et cetera), which is where I am so firmly rooted at this time in my life (sidling alongside midwife archetype at the same time).  I don't feel ready to move onto the next archetype of Amazon, I don't feel *done* here just yet.

Perhaps it's a fear of losing the depth of my passion once those yearnings have abated...
I'm not sure.  Either way, it doesn't yet need exploring.  I'm grateful for the continued presence of the primal yearnings of conception, pregnancy and birth that are still present within me - and with them - (related or not) the passion in me I feel is so connected to my intrinsic essence as woman, as creator, as birther, as nurturer.  And when I'm not focusing that energy on my ever-growing! child or business, I'm content to cluck over the belly's and babe's of close friends, whose generosity with me for both is seemingly unlimited! *sigh*

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