Wednesday, March 2, 2011

March 2nd

Today's a toughie.
Grateful, grateful, grateful....

Lots to be tearful about.  Furious about.  Heartbroken about.  
My heart feels like it's in a vice being squeezed.
The handle is in someone else's hand and all I can do is persevere and wait for it to be over.
The complications and heartache of shared care are beyond immeasurable.  
I'm asking for my time now and he's not giving.
I feel like I am having to negotiate, convince him that being with me is good for her.
Since when did that become his decision to make?
Since when did I give him the power to decide that?

It's tricky.
All actions must be in her best interests.
Our relationship, our communication needs to remain open, civil, compassionate, generous.
I have been so generous this last year.
Now it's his turn and he's not.
And I'm stuck.
Between being a demanding tyrant and a complacent pushover.
He's not unreasonable.  But his heart is breaking too.

And so I wait.
For him to acknowledge that I'm being fair and equitable.
For him to feel his heart break into a million pieces and then learn how to function in spite of this.
My own heart bears these scars, so I know it's no easy feat.
So, I wait.  I can wait.
Some things just need time.


Again, I feel moved to share a comment from a reader today.
It was observed from my post today, that I did indeed have something I could be grateful for. In fact, the observation almost bought me to tears.
She wrote "of course, I am unable to tell you what to be grateful for, but just in this post alone I see a tremendous amount of compassion.... and maybe the fact that your heart has broken into a million pieces and you've learned how to function in spite of it is something to be grateful for?"
How right she is.  Thank you for sharing with me your observation.  I have truly valued this insight, especially as I seem too close to the situation to view it objectively.  Thank you so, so much.  

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