Sunday, March 6, 2011

March 6th

At what point does it stop being about what's "in her best interests" and cross over into being about my own selfish needs and desires?

At what point do I acknowledge the tooing and froing, regardless of how equal and respectful we work hard at making it, is still tooing and froing of one small child between her parents.

At what point do I admit that yes, she does prefer time with him over time with me, irrespective of the knowledge that at her Dad's, all she does is play, because she is his entire world.  Regardless of whether or not I think this is an imbalanced perspective of the world for her to be learning.

At what point, do I just stop fighting for her, if I'm not what she wants?

At what point do I watch her walk away from me and take my heart with her? 

At what point?


Ask?  Well then, you shall receive.
I hadn't even published the above post - it was mere moments from completion, tears streaming down my cheeks, when the following message appeared in my inbox.

I had mentioned to a close friend that today had been a little tough.  I didn't elaborate, she didn't even know in what way tough, but in some way she knew (as only close friends can) because within moments she asked for my permission to present me with an alternative perspective on her understanding of my current *negotiation* with the care arrangement.  Words she warned me, forming a 'thunderstorm of emotional authenticity'.  Words that have played on her lips since the day she learned I was giving away majority care.  Words that had ventured no further, until now.

 The accuracy of her response to my (unknown to her) questions tonight astounded me, to say the least.  So much so, I asked her permission to share here.  I want her response to my heart's questions RIGHT HERE.  Right alongside my lost longing, my confused heartspeak.  Because this response is exactly the kick up the arse I needed to hear.  EXACTLY!

I treasure you woman, more than I can ever express to you.
Your insight into my heart, my struggle can only be, because our heart's beat to the same rhythm.
I have thanked the goddesses many, many times over for the crossing of our paths.
May our travels never venture far from the other.
My heart will always hold a space for you.  Always.


"DON'T LET GO! *many tears*
I feel like I can see into the future and I see a mumma who did what she thought was best at the time only to discover that it broke her heart and she regretted it every single day for the rest of her life.

I know that it feels like it's the right thing now, but it is not. You are her mumma, woman. You are her one and only mumma. I gaze into my child's eyes, lost in her perfect face and feel a love like no other, she is for me and I for her in a way that no man can be for a woman. The way only a mumma and a baby can be. Lucy is your baby, now and forever. You for her and her for you. Nobody can give her what you can give her. And the less she gets it, the more it hurts her. No one will love her or look at her or talk to her the way that you do. To lose even more of the time and presence she now has with you would be a tragedy. I know you know this, I know you feel it in your heart, the dread, of losing any more between you two. So now is the time to be "selfish" and to fight.

(And it's not actually selfish. It is in Lucy's interests to have you in her life as much as is humanly possible!) She fucking needs you. Even if no one else in the world can see it. She needs YOU.

I feel like you've never truly seen you and Lucy. The love! My God!  The way you give yourself to her is awe inspiring. I've always been amazed by how you connect to Lucy, seemingly so easy. How you are able to be so present to her, so calm, so patient, so loving. You accept her for who she is and you love her for who she is in a way no one else does.

What do children need more than anything in the world? Unconditional love. You have bucketfuls of it for that girl.  I worry that you letting go for her sake will end up hurting her a lot. I worry that she won't grow up thinking you acted in her best interests, that you gave up on her.

Persevere because there are things about your presence that Lucy needs that you can't see right now.

She wants you. She's always wanted you. And it scares you or you don't believe it. I'm not sure exactly what it is. It's okay to fear it. Being loved like that, by someone who truly needs us is scary! But fear is not a reason to let go. It's a reason to hold the fuck on and get through it together until it's not so scary. As for not believing it...that's simply not okay. You need to find a way to see all that you are to her and all that you have to offer her."

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