Tuesday, April 5, 2011

April 5th

I struggled today.

My practice this morning was HARD.  And I sulked through most of the second half of the 90 minutes.  Annoyed at myself for allowing my mind to defeat my body's weak attempts to push through it.
I stayed in savasna for longer than anyone else this morning.  I actually found it hard to get up off my mat.  I dragged myself through the shower and not even the cold blast at the end revitalised me.
I walked out of the studio, not feeling strong, pumped, focused.  
No.  I felt like a bloody failure!
And it set my mindset up for the rest of the day.

I got home.  Found no creative energy to write.
I didn't even have the stimulation to work on my squares.
I did however, have some awesome conversations with people on line.
Ben included.  He's amidst some awesome change in his life right now and it's so freakin' exciting!

I asked a question online, seeking common examples of stumbling in worship.
The responses were wonderful.  Lots of perspectives were forthcoming.  
About what constitutes worship, about how we push through the hard stuff and our reasons for pushing through the hard stuff.

And then a very wise woman reminded me of something I know inherently, but forget to acknowledge more often than not.  She reminded me that our energy ebbs and flows, just like all living entities within the universe, and that it's okay to give ourselves permission to slow down when we feel the need.  Or indeed, even stop.

Charlotte and me
Club Tyabb circa 2003

And then she said this:
"Man, don't we all need to be reminded to sometimes go a little more gently? Our culture is such a "doing" culture and somehow we think we're not achieving anything if we're not always busy doing something. "Not doing" is equally as important, just like night is as equally as important as day, winter as important as summer. It's just the cycles of life, that's all. We have constructed life and time to be linear but it's just not. The Pagans and other ancient cultures, peoples of the land, knew this but we're so out of touch with nature that it's not always easy to be conscious of life's beautiful cyclical quality. Some days it's a struggle, other days everything flows.  My favourite word at the moment.... acceptance, acceptance, acceptance. Acceptance of just what is. Limitless freedom in those 10 letters!"

And in that moment, I gave myself permission to be still.
I released the guilt associated with 'not being productive' by the standards of our working culture.
I acknowledged that in my stillness, I was granted the opportunity to connect.  I had wonderful conversations, one-on-one with four people today.  I shared a little of my soul and was privileged to gain a small insight into theirs.

And for those connections I am immensely grateful.
And to you Charlotte, I am once again reminded of how grateful I am for the luxury and blessedness of your friendship.
Namaste sweet sister.

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